We all have them sometimes. Those perfect days. Oh, who doesn’t hate them. We get up early, don’t get stuck in traffic and then, if that wasn’t enough, we get a latte on the house form the local Starbucks. All this optimism, please, it makes one sick with rainbows and butterflies. It is truly disgusting. If only there was a way for things like this to never happen, huh? Don’t worry, guys, I have us covered. Please let me tell you about my amazing formula to ruin your day before it even starts.
I call it: The Worst Day in X Easy Steps, Beginners Guide, only $9.99 in any respectable bookstore, try me today, doctors hate her, all dentists recommend it and 3 out of 4 women say they feel a difference. Very catchy name, it could sell, you know. It is a true revolution in the feel-bad market. Life coaches around the world would kill to have such a great tool. And here I am, giving it out for free, just like that.
Oh, aren’t I just the worst at it?
Step 1: Forget to go to bed
No truly bad day starts without a good kick the night before. All magic comes with a price – or at least careful preparation. That is why you will have to put in a bit of effort the night before your perfectly ruined day.
Forget about your regular sleep pattern. Just stay up. Watch a Netflix series or something. Play a video game if it tickles your fancy. Or just sit there, staring at drying paint, my personal recommendation. Whatever it is, just remember to stay up.
I’ve heard some people take caffeine pills instead of coffee itself. It may be the right time to give them a go.
Step 2: Watch yourself a nice little horror just before falling asleep
I take Stephen King, but politics will do just fine in a pinch.
Step 3: Hit that snooze button
It is perfectly natural that in the morning you will need some extra sleep. After all you missed out on it quite a lot last night. Your alarm is the enemy. Can it really not understand that all you need is five more minutes?
Don’t go for five – go for two. Two more minutes come in way more manageable chunks. Also you must remember that the more times your alarm goes off, the more successful it will be in getting you up. You know what they say about little naps? It definitely applies here!…
Step 4: Hit that snooze button some more
At this point you can try lifting your head up and looking around. If you are feeling extremely adventurous, stick one arm out of the blanket. It is cold, isn’t it? Put it back and hit the snooze. Again.
Step 5: Jump out of bed once you realize you might be late
Nothing ruins your day quite as well as a good portion of healthy morning exercise! Personal trainers and life coaches will tell you that staying active is the only way to go. But you are a very busy person, right? You need to squeeze some exercise time in wherever you can.
The morning rush is a great way to combine staying active and not wasting any of your precious time. It can include many useful sports disciplines such as running under a cold shower, getting dressed in under twenty seconds, brushing your teeth while hopping on one leg and simultaneously putting on shoes or even the simple yet effective sprint back to the house when you realise that you’ve left your work ID on the dinner table.
Step 6: Skip the unnecessary
Have you ever heard of this pesky annoyance called breakfast? Some people insist on having them every morning, claiming that the energy provided can carry you through an entire day. Do not believe their lies. Breakfasts are there to make you bloated and unable to rush properly.
Don’t waste your time on makeup or any other beauty regimes too. No one cares anyway. Definitely. No one will quietly judge.
Step 7: Do not smile and definitely do not say Hello
So early in the morning, especially on public transport, everyone is tired and still hanging on to the last remnants of precious sleep – do you really want to disturb your co-commuters with unnecessary optimism and joy? Please. Have some mercy.
Smiling before 12am should be illegal. I am very surprised that there is no petition to make it internationally so. And kindness, morning kindness is the worst. Can you imagine – someone holding the door for you after all the effort that you took to ruin your day already?
Not only should you then stop yourself from being such a nuisance to others, at all cost you should also avoid anyone with a positive attitude on life. It can be contagious!
Step 8: Blame your luck
Once you have established yourself as the King or Queen of a ruined day, there is only one thing left to do: call it just your luck.
There are different flavours and approaches to this method; some stick to traditional luck, others insist that it is the Universe that does not take their side, although the majority of us still look for the fault in the weather. Whatever tickles your fancy – all of these should work just fine.
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