I do like to complain about people neglecting to warn me or watching me fail over and over again despite knowing the solution to my problems. But today I shall do something new (and hopefully exciting) – complain about people actually warning me about things. Yes, my lovely buns, here comes time for the weirdest advice I have ever heard.
And since one lifetime of crazy advice may not be enough, I have asked a few of my friends to chip in too. You know, just to confirm that crazy is, in fact, genderless and international.
Never do more than 5 Frenchmen at a time
This must be my absolute favourite of all the weirdest advice I have ever received – it is just so… specific yet leaving so many questions unanswered at the same time; the queen of all crazy advice.
You may think I have picked it up at some club at 5am while being totally drunk talking with some stranger who happened to be a very promiscuous French man (or woman). But no. I was almost eighteen, just about to go to Warsaw for a little bit and while talking to a responsible adult (which I shall not name out of, you know, privacy and such), I asked for a recommendation on what I should and should not do while there.
Don’t do more than 5 Frenchmen at a time, I heard. Nothing more and nothing less.
Why is 5 this magical number? What makes 6 Frenchmen so much more dangerous? And what about other nationalities? What are their safety limits? And French women? Are 6 French women okay? I don’t know. I will never know, unless, of course, one of you has any idea. I doubt there are spreadsheets on this supplied by any non-profit organizations.
Always count each other
This piece of weirdest advice comes from… my dad. My dad is a true oracle of all sorts of unintentional advice and I would recommend anyone who has the opportunity to do so to get to know him and let him ramble on about history for a little bit. But this particular piece of wisdom is something that has stuck with me for life.
It comes from an old story of when my dad was just a student and was out drinking with his friends, one of them decided to go swimming and if they didn’t count themselves every X time, he would have drowned because no one would have noticed.
This is rare occasion when weird advice is actually useful. If you go out, please count yourself. You may feel like an idiot and you’ll probably act like an idiot, but better safe than sorry.
Also, don’t drink and swim.
A good husband should be like a bike
Don’t ask me why. I was so shocked I forgot to ask.
For years and years without end I have been trying to crack this riddle, but no, it really just skips my understanding.
Shaving your head will make people respect you more
Everyone knows there is no advice like a stranger’s advice and this particular gem came to one of my friends from no one else but a complete stranger that they just happened to pass on the street.
All my life I have been tempted to shave my head, stopped from doing this only by the fact that I may have a wonky skull. If I do have a wonky skull, I’d rather it remained hidden from the world. But I have never actually seen my skull and I have a lot of very fluffy hair, so it is, indeed, hard to tell. I guess that is my random weirdest advice I could give you – do not shave your head unless you’re absolutely sure you are happy with your skull!
Ok, I am done.
Going back to the original topic – the stranger in question stopped one of my friends to inform him that people respect bald men much more than men with hair, so the best thing he could do right now is to go home and shave his head. I mean, he did have a lot of hair at the time, so I’d suggest a hairdresser’s instead but…
This wonderful advice could top me over to my shaving head craze again, yet I do have 3 little problems with it. Firstly, well, I am not a man – would people respect a woman with no hair more as well? Secondly, apparently the strange man was bald himself, so he was either speaking from experience or bias.
But most importantly, there is another weird advice in the form of a Polish proverb that has forever stuck with me – never trust gingers or bald people, because gingers are malicious and bald people could have been ginger…
Never kiss a duck on the lips
Putting aside the technical difficulty that arises from, well, duck anatomy, this advice one of my friend’s received from his dad is actually… I guess… Not that bad of a piece of advice.
One could argue on how useful it is and how often one would find oneself in a situation where kissing a duck could be tempting, BUT, for the love of all little birds around the world, please do not kiss ducks. Pet ducks, yeah, if they like it, but respect the ducks’ right to have their say in the matter. Consent is consent.
Also, as someone who was once upon a time bitten by a swan, let me warn you – those beaks are savage. And if you are to risk a part of your body, let it not be your face. Eyes are squishy. Do not forget that.
The best way to learn Polish is to get drunk
My boyfriend is currently still trying to learn Polish, so he does get a lot of advice on the topic from a lot of very different people. And although my favourite thing to date will always remain him trying to teach our Irish friend how to say przepraszam and our Irish friend trying to teach him how to say cztery back (they were both horribly wrong), there is some more interesting advice to receive.
The number one recurring advice is, of course, getting drunk. From losing one’s embarrassment of sounding foreign to loosening one’s tongue enough to roll an rrrrrrrr, the possibilities are limitless.
From my experience though, English people trying to speak Polish while drunk do not sound any more convincing. Like the dude I met at my friend’s party who wanted to move to Kraków because of the delicious misery salad… I mean… I promise you, we do not make any misery salads in Poland, our salads are rather lovely.
And since we’re on the topic of Poland…
If you marry for money, your hands will always hurt
No, not like that.
This particular weirdest advice comes from pretty much any Polish mum. I’m sure that almost every little girl in Poland has heard it at some point. Marrying rich men seems to be the number one fear all Polish mums have for their daughters.
The… I am not even sure if we can call it a proverb or just a common phrase? It comes from the notion that if you do marry someone considerably richer than you are, all of their friends and family will always consider you a gold digger and slap you on the hands whenever you reach for the money. Hence the pain.
Which is, of course, on some level good advice? Maybe? I mean, rich people deserve love as well and marrying someone with a different material status than your own is not always money-motivated. But some people will think it is and it may be worth growing an extra layer of thick skin. I don’t know. Never tested it in practice.
And what is the weirdest advice you have ever received? Let me know down in the comments – and maybe they will serve as an inspiration for another trip down memory lane for me too!