For all of us madly in love with our 9-5s, having a perfectly bad day at work can be a real challenge. Our bosses always appreciate us a bit too much, there is never any queue to the office microwave and our colleagues volunteer to do all the most mundane tasks to make themselves more miserable for a change. Oh, and especially now in the late autumn, all the rooms are perfectly toasty, just to our liking. It sucks, huh? Don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you – a guide on how to ruin your work day – and all free of charge as well!
Preemptively ruining your day before even getting to work is not obligatory but it will make your task much easier.
Answer the emails
You know which emails I am talking about.
There is no better way to ruin your work day than facing a good batch of emails that you have been avoiding. From the guy who never understands anything. Or a person who asks the same question over and over again. And the one who sends you emails every day around 1am because they had a revelation in bed. Or the ‘What do you mean by It’s in testing? Does it mean I can test it?’. Go ahead. You know it’s time.
Do something really good – and don’t tell anyone
You remember the project you’ve been killing yourself over for the past few weeks? You know, the little thing you picked up on the side that grew into a crazy beast, eating every minute of your life bit by bit? Sure, it was just a tiny improvement, but no one else was going to do it, and it annoyed you all. And now it’s done. Finished. Fixed.
You know what you should do next? Become the silent hero.
From your desk in the corner you will get to watch all the idiots who do not appreciate your work enough. Well. Who don’t even notice the problem has finally been resolved – and resolved by you! Doesn’t that sound like a lovely way to spend an afternoon at work, holding a grudge for no good reason whatsoever?
Check out the recycling bin
There’s bound to be someone who thought it’s a good idea to throw a half-empty salad box in there.
Play watch the clock
The best game that will ruin your work day is surprisingly easy. Just look at the clock and discover how long it takes for a new minute to clock in.
It will keep you busy for ages, I assure you.
Forget about your lunch break
Who needs food when work is waiting?
Nothing destroys stressing out about the incoming deadline like a good break. Even five-minute breaks can ease one’s mind way too much to deem them acceptable for a ruined work day. And a lunch break? A proper lunch break? With WARM, TASTY food? Are you insane? Nobody has time for that!
When a deadline is coming, breaks simply cannot happen. Nothing helps one concentrate as well as staring at the screen for ten hours straight, no food, no coffee, no bathroom. We’ve all been there.
Get involved in some good, office gossip
The best way to achieve the perfect atmosphere in your workplace is to get yourself involved in the office gossip.
Office gossip just keeps everyone so in love with each other, doesn’t it? And close, and connected, like a mini family, really. It rejuvenates and creates new friendships. And has nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing, to do with feeling vicious or jealous or hostile or mean or negative. Nothing at all.
Remember that everyone is your enemy
And since we’re already on the topic of forming office friendships – remember that everyone, absolutely everyone is there to help you ruin your work day.
Some people claim they go to work to… work. Don’t listen to them. They are not at all in the same situation as you are. They are not trying to earn a living. They do not have families and cats to feed. They could be just laying on a beach somewhere and enjoying the sunshine. Instead, they are there to spite you.
They send you emails and call you for no reason. They need your help. They break the coffee machine. They arrive late. They arrive early. They ask you about your day. They distract you. They are too busy to talk with you about your weekend. Finally, they all just want to get you fired.
They. Are. All. Your. Enemies.
Yes, even the ones who bring in chocolates. They just want to see you fail your diet.
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